I hope you all are having a gentle holiday season. I am writing a short post about something that happened last week that made me really proud. I'm sharing this story to encourage you to speak up for yourself, to take up space, and to make sure you don't let other people define who you are or what you should be.
As someone who was raised with the threat of violence for questioning anything, having my own thoughts, or speaking my mind, it has taken me a long time to get to a point where I feel comfortable speaking up for myself. The people who raised me told me directly that my thoughts, feelings, and opinions didn't matter because I was a child and a girl. I was beaten and verbally and emotionally abused for decades for being different.
Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women was an icon to me. She was a classy, smart, well-dressed Southern lady who could tell you off on the spot perfectly. I admired her confidence and the way her mind worked. One day I wanted to have Julia Sugarbaker-level powers. It's still a goal.
This isn't the first time I've spoken up for myself by any means, but each time before I have had panic attacks over it. It has sent my depression spiraling, or I'll cry about it or worry over it for weeks, months, years.
I don't do that anymore.
Let's set the scene:
It's a Friday before Christmas and I post on Facebook that I'm celebrating 11 years of being cancer-free, having survived this long thus far. I'm very happy about it and I post some happy pictures to complement the post.
It's a Friday before Christmas and I post on Facebook that I'm celebrating 11 years of being cancer-free, having survived this long thus far. I'm very happy about it and I post some happy pictures to complement the post.
Every time I post about having had cancer, there is always some religious zealot who wants me to give their god credit for all the work I did to beat cancer. So I added a note that I, respectfully, didn't want people to dismiss my work, struggle, and sacrifice in having cancer by demanding I thank their god for still living. Essentially, just celebrate with me and be happy for me, and leave your religion out of it.
Less than twelve hours later, I got a private message from my former stepmother's sister who was only on my Facebook because she was nosy to see what my life is like after I reconnected with my half-sister. I think I met her once when I was 13. She's been a friend on Facebook for a couple of years and hasn't said shit to me. I don't even remember meeting her when I was a kid, but I was being abused during that time so I have blacked out quite a bit.
Here's her message:
"Hailey, don’t know if you’ll remember me but I’m Tina’s sister Kathy. Anyway I saw your post this morning and it broke my heart. I had to PM you to say that I know that you’ve had a rough time but we all have scars but the only truth that gets me through my trials is knowing that I am not in control of anything. That God put me here and has a plan for us all. I know you are lost and will never really be happy or complete until you realize the truth. God loves you and is holding you in the palm of his hand. Let him take your pain. You have never done anything on your own. Even if you shut him out. I’m praying for you that you will see the truth and feel real strength and love. I love you, Kathy"
I saw this on my way home from a fun evening out and laughed out loud. It was hilarious to me, but I was pissed off that reading comprehension is so low in this country and she didn't understand words. It's laughable that someone who met me once when I was 13 thinks they know everything about my life and can give me shitty, unsolicited advice. I wanted to tell her what a pathetic, selfish, weak-minded asshole she is, but I decided to do it a little differently, in a way that makes me proud. Not holding people accountable and not setting boundaries to "keep the peace" is how cycles are perpetuated.
Here's my reply:
"Hi there. You're right, I don't remember you. I find it quite heart-breaking that you're more concerned about my spiritual beliefs than you are about me having cancer. That truly tells me all I need to know about you. It's also quite sad that you and your ilk think everyone needs to be just like you and believe in the same things.You and your God didn't seem to care when my brother and I were being beaten, pushed down stairs, told to go fuck ourselves with broom handles by your absolute vile sister. It is because of "Christian" hypocrites like her, who have been the most awful, disgusting, hateful people I have ever met in my life, that I do not subscribe to your faith.I do not need a god to be happy or feel complete. It is sad to me that you so readily give up your autonomy as a creature of the Earth to accommodate a made-up system designed to control you, designed to make you not think for yourself. You gladly get to overlook accountability or responsibility for your own actions because you can just blame it on a Sky Guy.Furthermore, I am Pagan. I worship Nature. And if you cared more about the planet you live on than trying to control everyone around you because of how truly lost YOU actually feel, the world would be a better place. Your faith is your personal experience and should not be something you so freely push on others, especially after I respectfully asked people not to.If you message me like this again, I will block you and intend on doing so in the near future anyway. Have a Blessed Yule and may the rest of your life be the one of your own making."
In the end, I tried to speak to her based on my own experiences and beliefs to tell her why she will never speak to me like that again. It would have been easy to call her names, but I just decided to tell her why I feel the way I do.
I made sure she read it and I blocked her the next day. People like this do NOT get to be in my life. People like this do NOT get to speak to me that way. Follow whatever religion makes you happy (except they are obviously brain-washing folks and breeding hateful assholes and have been doing that for eons). If you want to thank your god that I'm alive, do it on your own time. That's your personal choice.
Otherwise, I'll just be here happily living my life on my own terms without everybody's bullshit rules upon me. Their judgment and their priorities speak volumes about who they are, ya know, if them voting for Sweet Potato Hitler didn't tell you that already.
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