In June, Sean and I took a much-needed road trip to the beach for a week of chill time.  Dobby and Finn joined us, so we found a dog-friendly place close to the ocean and spent most of our time relaxing and reading.  I was also in the midst of a depressive episode where I felt like the most burdensome, broken, ugly person on the face of the planet.  It felt like I was crying the entire trip.  Then I'd feel guilty for thinking I was ruining Sean's time. It just kept snowballing into trauma flashbacks and sadness and darkness.

Looking back at these pictures, I don't think you are going to see that.  I'm smiling in the photos and you can't really tell how much I cried or how crappy I felt. I want to point this out because it's hard to know what someone is going through under the surface.  So many times I have been dismissed by family, friends, and doctors because I don't "look" like someone who is having a really, really hard time mentally.  In fact, I put a lot of effort into appearing "fine" because I know most people can't handle my feelings.  I've had to look like someone who has their shit together (mostly) because I didn't have another choice.

While I have been tirelessly working on my inner world and finding ways of handling the anxiety and depression that work well for me, I still have bad days.  This week at the beach was one of them.

That said, I do want to share the highlights of the trip because there were lovely moments sprinkled in.  We were able to spend some quality time with the boys, which helped them bond a little more too.  I'm grateful that Sean is such a loving, understanding, supportive partner who can comfort and push me when needed.  And I really need you to see how beautiful and happy Finn looked on the beach!

Long Beach, Washington is a couple of hours from us and a doable drive with the chihuahua boys.  Finn is always nervous in the car, but Dobby either wants to sniff or sleep.  It usually takes a bit to get them to settle, but it was a pretty uneventful drive.  When we arrived at our rental, we made a beeline to the ocean to watch the sunset.  Even though we were tired, I'm glad we did this the first night, because this was actually the prettiest sunset of the week before the clouds moved in.

Personally, I love cloudy, moody beach time and the rocky coast of the Pacific Northwest.  I think when most people say they want "beach time" it means they want to lay in the sun and look at the ocean, or whatever else people usually do.  But I like to explore, take photos, worship nature, and sit with my thoughts.  The ocean helps me work through stuff and sort through all the crap.  On our last day, I had some time by myself to talk to the ocean.  I picked a rock and put all my frustrated energy into it before I threw it out to sea.  I wanted to let it all go, which is easier said than done, but it felt good at the moment.  It was what I needed to do and, in some ways, I think it had the intended impact of pushing me forward.

Every evening, deer would come to eat grass from the field near the rentals.  We spent a lovely afternoon reading and watching insects and birds move through their day in the wetlands behind the property.  Long Beach is not a swimming beach, but you can drive down a good portion of it.  There are various beach approach roads along the peninsula.  On our last day, we drove the 13.5-mile portion that is open all year round, taking our time to enjoy the eagle, crow, and seagull sightings.

One of my favorite moments from the trip is running with Finn on the beach!  Finnegan is very particular and has very stiff hips that have always given him issues.  He can't do very long walks at home because his hips always start to bother him.  But he seemed SO EXCITED to be on the beach and I decided to try to run with him.  He took off into the most beautiful, happy gallop I have EVER seen him do!  It was so special.  We ran as much as we could before he was exhausted and ready to get back in the car.

On another evening, we packed up a wagon with our half-tent, picnic stuff, and the dogs and trekked out to the beach to watch the sunset.  Once we got set up, smoked some herbal delights, and had a snack, the clouds rolled in and it started to rain.  We were cold and high so Sean couldn't figure out how to fold the pop-up tent to fit back in its case.  I was trying to keep Finn and Dobby protected from the elements.  It was frustrating but funny.  We eventually made our way back to the rental, but also had to journey through a cloud of mosquitoes as well.  

It was an adventure!